


Mistakes and Apologies

by flotsam45



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, dorks being dorks, i miss writing them, probably the best thing i wrote in 2013 period, this was probably the best rendition of them i wrote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 21:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10448178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flotsam45/pseuds/flotsam45
Summary: Sebastian messes up, and sets about trying to fix things.Revised RP from December 2013.





	

Jim sighed as he curled up a little tighter on the couch and glared straight ahead at the enormous tree Sebastian had insisted they decorate, no lights on in the flat besides the little ones encircling the tree from top to bottom. He'd assumed, mistakenly apparently, that if Sebastian was going to force him to decorate the flat for Christmas that the man would actually  _ be there _ on Christmas. But no. He had gone out to a party at a pub or something and had said he wouldn't be back until the day after, leaving Jim alone in their flat. Now granted, logically he knew that Sebastian only lived with him and tolerated him because Jim paid him to, but he'd started to hope that maybe the money came second and he actually had a genuine friend for the first time in his life. But..they'd gotten into a bit of an argument before Sebastian had left, and he'd said outright that he'd leave if the money weren't so good, so Jim was pretty sure he'd been wrong.

He continued glaring at the tree and then took the last long sip of his drink before he stood up to stalk off to his bedroom to sulk instead of on the couch, absolutely despising the tightness in his chest and throat that he hadn't felt since he'd been a kid.

 

Sebastian knew he had made a mistake by saying what he did, but who could blame him? He'd been angry, and he was most certainly not known for being able to control his anger that well. If Jim hadn't been his boss and… the object of his affections, he'd have started a fist fight straight away. Sebastian huffed, his breath coming out in a white puff of warm air in front of him, and he wrapped his jacket tighter around himself. The park was deserted, and it was stupidly cold. As much as he hated it here, he couldn't exactly go back to the flat and ask Jim to forgive him. Knowing the man, he'd probably be furious by now. However, his fingers were getting numb, and he didn't fancy spending Christmas alone in a park, so he slowly trudged back to the flat. By the time he reached the door, he was visibly trembling, and he let himself in hurriedly, eager for the warmth of the flat.

 

Jim froze when he heard the front door open, his face turning red as he held his breath to stop the stupid moronic sobs that he'd finally let take control of him just for a little while. Why did caring have to /hurt/? And how dare Sebastian come home - probably dragging some drunk woman behind him - when Jim was in the middle of reminding himself why he never let himself care about anybody? Jim sighed shakily and scrubbed his face tiredly against his pillow once he'd looked up to make sure all three locks on his bedroom door had been turned. He had no interest in doing anything other than laying in bed for the night and avoiding contact with Sebastian until it became absolutely unavoidable. Jim listened hard to the sound of Sebastian coming into the flat and though he didn't hear the sound of anyone else, he still felt no desire to open his door and greet the man, not when he knew that he'd accidentally bought his one and only friend who turned out to not be his friend at all, which definitely meant he didn't feel the same attraction Jim felt for him. He'd been wrong about it. All of it. Jim pulled the covers up over his head and buried his face in his mattress as he started crying again, though this time there were thankfully no sobs to accompany the senseless tears that he despised with every inch of his being.

 

While Sebastian shuffled around, getting warm, he checked around the flat, but Jim didn't seem to be around. He sighed, and slowly tried the door to the man's bedroom, and sure enough, it was locked. He sighed to himself and went back to the sitting room, only to pace the area for a minute. Almost reluctantly, he went back to Jim's door, his hand raised as if to knock, but at the last moment, reconsidered. Who was he to add fuel to the fire? He shifted his weight from foot to foot, trying to decide if he should try to talk to Jim now, or later. If he were to put it off, who knows how much angrier Jim would be? He groaned softly, running a hand down his face. Why was this man so difficult to figure out? Taking a deep breath, he knocked twice on Jim's door. "Erm, Jim? Could we talk, maybe?" he called out meekly.

 

Jim shifted into a more comfortable position on his side as he heard Sebastian moving around the flat, stiffening a little as he heard the man trying his door. He stayed utterly and completely silent even when Sebastian walked away again in the direction of the sitting room, and he was glad he did as soon enough the man's quiet footsteps were stopping right outside his door again instead of continuing on down the hall to his own room. At first Sebastian didn't try to talk to him, though, and Jim tried to comfort himself by imagining all sorts of things Sebastian might say to negate what he'd said before. But even when he was angry the man rarely said things he didn't mean at least in part, and that was one of the cruellest things Jim had ever heard Sebastian say, especially to him. It had to have /some/ sort of truth to it. Jim sighed and slumped into a crumpled heap on his mattress in defeat as Sebastian finally knocked on his door and asked if they could talk and Jim shook his head even though Sebastian couldn't see him. He slid the covers down just enough to uncover his mouth and he turned his head toward the door to bark out a quick, "No!" Jim was pleased when the simple word didn't seem to betray how depressed he was, but rather made him sound angry instead. At least if he was angry Sebastian would be more likely to leave him alone with his thoughts.

 

Sebastian frowned, and looked around pointlessly, trying to figure out what to say. He couldn't help it that Jim was angry with him, as he had every right to be. But he wanted to at least apologize somewhat. "So I know you're angry with me, but could you maybe listen to what I have to say?" he asked. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to remember the last time he'd made Jim angry, and how it had ended.

 

Jim groaned quietly and pulled the covers back over his head when Sebastian kept talking and didn't really seem like he was about to walk away any time soon, but other than that Jim stayed silent, figuring that without prompting from him Sebastian would either leave him alone or keep talking anyway and say the apologies Jim desperately wanted to hear even though he knew he wouldn't believe them, not fully. He just wanted to hear Sebastian saying that he was wrong and sorry, just so he could hear it at least once and could pretend for a moment or two that the other man meant it.

 

Sebastian waited for a while, and when there was no reply, he groaned quietly. "Look, I'm sorry about what I said, okay? It was… stupid. Of me. And…" He sighed loudly. "You know I have a short temper, and that I'm no good with words. So I'm sorry, Jim. I am." He waited, and leaned against the door. "Jim?"

 

Jim actually shivered a little as Sebastian said he was sorry and he let himself believe it for a second before he was right back to thinking about Sebastian shouting in his face that he'd leave in a heartbeat if he could find another way to make such good money. That he didn't owe Jim anything, he didn't care, he was just in it for the money. He couldn't stop hearing it, he couldn't stop  _ believing _ that Sebastian must hate him, somewhere deep down, and he just didn't want to lose his easy money. Jim stood up from the bed and shuffled over to the door to sit down on the carpet, sitting sideways and curling up in a small ball as he leaned the side of his head against the doorway, listening to Sebastian shuffling his feet and breathing slowly in and out on the other side of the wood. "Why did you even bother coming back?" Jim asked quietly, hating the slightly thick quality of his voice and he way his nose wouldn't stop running even as his eyes burned again, though this time he refused to let himself break down. He was done with crying. "Here for your next cheque? I'll give you more money if that's what you want, Sebastian. If that'll help you get away from here like you want. I hired you because I thought you'd  _ want _ to be here, but if you're just here for money then I'll give you the money and send you on your way."

 

"Jim, no. I don't….I'm not…." Sebastian tried desperately to find the words to say. "I'm not here for the money." He took a breath. "Not anymore. I…" He made a quiet frustrated noise. It seemed that when he panicked, his vocabulary grew smaller. "Maybe in the beginning I was. I'll admit it, Jim. In the beginning, I was here because it  _ was _ easy money. But…" He swallowed. "But then I got to know you." He silently cursed himself for how cliche he was sounding. There was no way Jim would believe this. But it was the truth.

 

Jim sighed and dropped his head to rest on his knees and he kind of rocked back and forth a couple times as Sebastian spoke, hating how desperately he wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. He didn't want to have a best friend that had to be paid to stick around, but if he didn't pay Sebastian then why would he bother to stay? He needed the money, plain and simple, and Jim knew he would keep giving it to him to keep him around because he was willing to admit to himself that he was simply that desperate for companionship, even if it /was/ bought. Jim pressed his side a little more firmly against the door and pressed his ear to the wood to listen to Sebastian with a resigned sigh. "Look, just go to bed or go back to your party or something. I get it, all right? I get it, you don't have to keep lying. Just..leave me alone for a little while. I'm fine."

 

"I'm not lying!" Sebastian hissed frustratedly. "Jim, I know I fucked up, okay? I said something stupid, and I was wrong. But I'm not lying! I'm living with you because I-" He caught himself, and swallowed, before continuing. "Because you're my friend. I care about you." God, it felt like the room was too tight, and the air was too thin. "Jim." he said quietly. "I'm sorry. I am." His voice was small and pained.

 

Jim flinched a little as Sebastian abruptly got angry again and he pulled away from the door, scooting a couple inches away still in his curled up position, just wanting to put some distance between himself and Sebastian's frustration. Jim whimpered low in his throat and wrapped his arms over the back of his head when Sebastian said that he cared about him and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, rocking gently back and forth again as he listened to Sebastian. He stayed that way for a few moments before he stood up and slowly unlocked all three locks on his door and then strode over to his bed to slip into it, settling in directly in the middle curled up on his side again, his duvet and sheet pulled all the way up over his mouth to stop under his nose.

 

Sebastian heard the clicks of the locks, and he stood, going over to his room quickly and grabbing something before returning, and twisted the doorknob, pushing the door open. He bit his lip as he approached Jim. He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands. He put the neatly wrapped box next to Jim, awkwardly. "I…. This is for you." he said quietly. He risked a glance at Jim.

 

Jim heard Sebastian walking away and he hated the stupid  _ ache _ in his chest that burned and refused to go away. But then the door was opening and Sebastian was coming into his room so Jim did his best to look disgruntled and disinterested even though he was laying in a clearly defensive and self-comforting position in the very middle of his huge bed. Jim looked up at Sebastian tiredly when he set the box down next to him and he found the tiniest hint of a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth though he knew Sebastian couldn't see it thanks to the covers. "Did you wrap it yourself? I would have hardly expected you to be able to successfully use wrapping paper," Jim said quietly, the fact that he'd been crying evident in his voice. His attempt to tease Sebastian fell a little flat but he didn't care, instead he just slowly snaked one hand out from under the covers to pull the box under the sheet with him, ducking his head to look at it under the covers as he plucked at the edge of one of the folds with a fingertip. "Do I get to open it now or do I have to wait for tomorrow morning?"

 

Sebastian cringed inwardly at Jim's voice, the guilt worsening. He tried for a small smile, and shrugged his shoulders slightly. "You can open it now, if you want. I think… we can allow a small violation of the rules for once." he murmured. In the box was a sweater; one he'd made especially for Jim. It had taken a few tries to get it right, but he'd figured Jim's laughter upon seeing it would be worth it. It was black, with a heart on fire on the front. He had hoped it would make Jim smile a little, but given what was going on…

 

Jim nodded a little as Sebastian said he could open it now if he wanted and he immediately slid his finger under the edge of the paper, tearing at it right where the tape was. He slowly dismantled the paper and pulled it away from the box to push it out over the edge of the bed to land on the floor. He opened up the box and slid his hand inside, a little confused to feel something soft that definitely felt like a jumper. He didn't wear jumpers. Ever. He pulled the cloth out of the box and pulled it a little closer to him so the light would hit it under the covers and he suddenly understood when he saw what was on the front. The small hint of a smile that had twitched up the corner of his mouth grew into something a little more noticeable and then he finally chuckled quietly as he admitted that as gifts went it was all right, and definitely entertaining. "I'm glad you were paying attention," he said quietly, his attempt to joke again falling flat. Of course Sebastian had been paying attention, he always paid attention, but still. Jim dropped the box over the edge of the bed too and then leaned over away from Sebastian to open up the bottom drawer of his bedside table to pull out a nondescript box wrapped in plain black paper that contained a new pistol for Sebastian with a mother-of-pearl grip and a barrel engraved with images of tigers as well as a smaller box containing matching cuff links. "I suppose you can bend the rules, too," Jim muttered self-consciously as he handed the two boxes over and then sank beneath his covers again.

 

Sebastian looked surprised for a moment, before smiling, and accepted the boxes. He glanced briefly at Jim, before opening them. His mouth fell open at the beautiful pistol, and he picked it up carefully, liking the feel of it already. He held it up, pointing it at the door, and couldn't help but grin. "It's perfect." he breathed. Seeing the matching cufflinks, he chuckled softly. "Now I can assassinate in style."

 

While Sebastian was distracted with pointing the gun towards the door, Jim raised the jumper to his face and took a deep breath in through his nose. The scent of Sebastian's cologne and handsoap clung to the fabric and Jim was surprised by how much the smell comforted him. As soon as Sebastian looked back down at the box with the cufflinks, though, Jim pulled the fabric away from his face again and attempted to look as normal as possible. "Obviously," Jim replied quietly, his voice slightly muffled by his covers. "I hate the clothes you wear to a job. I have a reputation to uphold, you know. You need a new wardrobe, the cufflinks are just the start of it."

**You:** Sebastian rolled his eyes good-humoredly, and nudged Jim gently. "Thanks, Jim." he murmured sincerely. It meant a lot, to get something this nice. Sebastian had never really had the luxury of celebrating Christmas, nor had he had anyone to share it with, so he had tried to get decorations up, and it had gone well until he went and insulted Jim. "It means a lot." he said quietly.

 

Jim watched Sebastian carefully as he thanked him and he just shrugged lightly, the movement barely perceptible. "I thought you would like it. So..um..I think I'm just going to go to bed now," Jim said quietly, feeling more than a little awkward. "You should get back to that party you said you were going to," he added softly as he turned over to hide his face from Sebastian and closed his eyes, curling up a little tighter and secretly pulling the jumper to his chest to hug it tightly along with his knees.

 

Sebastian nodded mutely, though he knew that Jim would not see, nor did he have intentions of 'going back to the party'. With Jim quiet like this, all he could focus on was the guilt still clawing at his chest. He fidgeted, knowing he should leave, but being unable to do so without saying…  _ something _ . Impulsively, he reached out, placing a hesitant hand on Jim's shoulder.

 

Jim stayed perfectly still as Sebastian didn't move from his bed and all at once a dozen different scenarios played themselves out in his head. Scenarios where Sebastian would leave him alone and head back out to his party, or just head to his room or the sitting room, ones where Sebastian would stay but not say anything. And then a scenario that happened to become reality, where Sebastian would reach out to touch him in some way, and Jim would respond accordingly. As Sebastian's warm hand found his shoulder, Jim's fingers were already twitching a little with a need to reach out and feel the other man next to him. As it turned out, all he had to do was slowly slip his hand up to meet Sebastian's, his fingers sliding gently underneath and then between the other man's until their hands were linked on his thin shoulder. Jim didn't say anything, instead he just closed his eyes a little tighter and turned his face into the pillow more, anxious to know what Sebastian was planning to do next.

 

Sebastian was more than surprised when Jim entwined their fingers, but pleasantly so. The contact was foreign, yet… familiar, and he couldn't help but smile to himself. He took a deep breath. "Jim, you-" He swallowed thickly. "You mean a lot. To me." God, he sounded ridiculous. What was he even doing? "I mean, you're… important. And I appreciate what you do for me. You gave me this job, and-" He hesitated. "And you gave me a friend. And I'm grateful for him being in my life." He felt his face growing warm.

 

Jim sighed slowly as Sebastian spoke, the spark of hope he'd attempted to bury suddenly igniting and ravaging through him without mercy, seemingly fuelled by the warmth of Sebastian's hand on him. Jim stayed still even when Sebastian had finished talking and then he reached behind himself with a bit of an effort and pulled at the covers until they were thrown over his own hip, a silent invitation for Sebastian to lay down with him on the unoccupied side of the bed that he'd just uncovered. "Please?" he added quietly, not above begging by this point when all he wanted was to be held and reminded that he wasn't alone, because damn it he'd been alone for so long that he'd forgotten what it was like to be touched by someone else and he needed to know.

 

Though he was startled by the turn of events, Sebastian didn't let it show. He nodded, and he eased himself down onto the mattress and under the covers carefully, and placed himself close to Jim, his front to Jim's back. His hand slid down off of Jim's shoulder, and instead rested on Jim's waist. "Is…Is this okay?" he asked quietly. He reveled in the feeling of having Jim so close to him, and found that this was incredibly comfortable.

 

Jim tried to relax as Sebastian laid down behind him and he let go of his hand as Sebastian pulled it away to instead slide down to rest on his waist. Jim sighed shakily, telling himself that it was normal for such a simple touch to feel so good, and nodded a little at Sebastian's hesitant question. "Fine. Could be better, though," Jim muttered with a hint of playfulness before he reached down to grab a hold of Sebastian's hand to pull his arm fully around his waist, pressing back a little until his back was flush with Sebastian's chest and he could count each breath the other man took. Jim immediately relaxed his tight, defensive position and slid into a more natural one as he relaxed back against Sebastian without thinking, immediately falling into the welcome warmth of an embrace. "Just for tonight, okay?" he murmured, though he hated to say it. He wanted this every night, but of course he knew he couldn't have it. "I just need you like this for tonight, then you won't ever have to do this again. I promise."

 

Sebastian was eager to comply to Jim's alterations to their position, and he pressed his nose into the nape of Jim's neck, inhaling slowly. The familiar expensive cologne was quite comforting. Jim's words had hurt more than expected, and Sebastian couldn't help but feel a little rejected. "What if… I wanted to hold you like this every night?" he questioned. He had no idea where this sudden confidence was coming from, but the bit of him with any sense of self preservation left was silenced by his affections for Jim. "Would you be against it?"

 

Jim breathed out slowly through his nose as Sebastian's nose pressed to the nape of his neck and the heat of his lips was so close to Jim's skin that the man could swear he could already feel what it would be like to have those lips pressed to his skin with kisses. Jim froze at Sebastian's question, though, his mind stuttering to a halt as he considered what Sebastian was saying and that he might actually want to do this with him. Every single night. Jim stalled for time by stretching forward, slightly away from Sebastian, to turn off the lamp beside his bed, settling back into the soft, warm curve of Sebastian's body in the dark, feeling a surge of confidence now that he couldn't be seen. "No. I wouldn't be against it at all," Jim replied softly as he turned his head toward Sebastian, his fingers drawing patterns on the back of the man's hand as he guided it to rest a little lower on his stomach. "Do you want me like this?"

 

When Jim had stretched forward, Sebastian was terrified for a moment that he'd somehow misread the situation and that Jim was getting up and about to walk away, but he had returned right back to where he had been, and Sebastian let out a breath of relief. At Jim's reply, followed by his question, he looked at Jim through the darkness, and nodded. "Of course I do." he murmured.

 

Jim felt his heart stop briefly and a sinking feeling in his stomach made him think hard about what it was he wanted, and he decided to just take it and damn the consequences. He suddenly turned over and wrapped one arm around Sebastian's shoulders to hold him close as he found his lips in the darkness clumsily, arching against him and sliding one leg between Sebastian's, suddenly feeling an overwhelming surge of passionate need as soon as he realised that what he wanted might just be within reach.

 

Sebastian returned the kiss equally passionate, and his hands wrapped around Jim's waist. He slid his tongue along Jim's lips, and he groaned softly as Jim slid his leg between his own, and God, was this really happening? Kissing Jim was so much better than fantasizing about this; he was so much more responsive.

 

Jim made a small noise of happy surprise as Sebastian immediately returned the kiss and he parted his lips as soon as the tip of Sebastian's tongue played at the sensitive skin. Jim wanted to ask him a thousand questions, but each one wasn't nearly so important as the feeling of Sebastian's lips and tongue on his mouth or the way his arms wound around his waist and seemed to seep warmth into his skin through his shirt. Jim's hand slid down to cup against Sebastian's cheek and jaw as he kissed the man roughly and he somehow managed to press even closer, needing every inch of contact that he could get. Jim's breath came hard and quick through his nose and through the corner of his mouth whenever he could free up one side of his mouth, small noises escaping him every now and then as he kissed Sebastian hungrily.

 

Jim tasted of tea and mint and something sweet. He felt Jim's hand press against his cheek, and he leaned into the touch slightly. As the kisses from Jim grew rougher, Sebastian reciprocated likewise, the kiss somehow turning into a battle for dominance, and before he knew it, he had pushed Jim down, and was leaning over him, his arms trapping Jim under him. He pulled away, panting and staring down at Jim. He admired his flushed cheeks, messy hair, and red abused lips, and he smiled down at him fondly.

 

Jim hardly noticed as he was pushed onto his back, all that he knew was that Sebastian was above him and kissing him like he was claiming him all for himself and Jim knew that it was wrong to want to be  _ possessed _ but he  _ liked _ it. Jim whined in protest as Sebastian pulled away but he let the man study him for a moment or two mostly because he was busy studying Sebastian as well, looking at every bit of his face that he could see for some sign that none of this was real. And he didn't find a single one. "Stop smiling and kiss me, you moron," Jim snapped in mock annoyance as he suddenly pulled Sebastian down to him to crush their mouths together once more.


End file.
